Disclaimer: There are no right or wrong answers to any of the questions in this blog and the only person who can judge your answers is YOU.
If you are practicing celibacy like I have since 2016 or an adult virgin, this question would not apply to your current lifestyle. For everyone else, I would like you to seriously consider your answer. Here are a few possible responses: to reach an orgasm, to fulfill my marriage vows, to express my freedom, to show appreciation to my spouse/mate, because I like how it feels and/or to relieve stress, to name a few. There are so many answers to that question and in many cases, there are mixtures of intentions and motivations.
I have another question for you: Is your answer more emotionally driven, physically motivated or a mixture of both? For instance, the answer, “to reach an orgasm” could be a mixture based on who the person is. Some men and women (like I used to be), did not need an emotional connection to engage in the act of sex to reach their climax. On the other hand, there are people who cannot engage in the act of sex without being mentally and/or emotionally attracted to their partner first. There are also people who were violated when they were younger (a mixture of physical stimulation and emotional abuse), which led to “a state of confused promiscuity” like one of my past clients mentioned; sex was used to try to fill the hole that her molester opened in her soul. She realized this after having sex with over fifty people from her late teens to early thirties. These are just a few of several realities that will contribute to the type of sexual motivation that guides one’s actions.
Regardless of your answers, this next question is going to get a little personal; as if the entire blog isn’t already. Have you ever taken the time to consider what your first sexual experience did to your outlook about the act itself? For instance, I did not know anything about having a spiritual connection with the women I had intercourse during my twenties; from those years until thirty years old, sex was mainly for physical pleasure. When I look back on it, there was a lot of emotional pain that came with that journey. Psychological games and emotional turbulence was normal, but as long as I got the sex, it was all worth it. “Several studies identify strong associations between casual sex and risks to psychological well-being, such as low-self esteem or emotional distress” (Piemonte et al, (2019). As I matured, and started personal development, the idea of settling down with one person started growing, but guess what? After three relationships in my early thirties I realized a life altering fact about my life; I was never by myself long enough to figure out how to be madly in love with myself! I felt less than unless a woman was by my side, which was not fair to myself or the relationships. These are the types of answers that were delivered for my journey. We all have different reference points and based on my experience, I think anyone can benefit from deeply reflecting on their answers.
But wait, I do have to share another perspective. Casual sex is not a no go for everyone. It all comes down to each individual and their preference. In some cases,“Research finds….a variety of positive outcomes following casual sex, such as reduced stress, improved mental health and increased sexual subjectivity” (Piemonte et al, (2019). Are you one of these type? There are people who thrive on a life filled with multiple sex partners and randomness. As my disclaimer mentioned, the only person who can judge is the person in the mirror.
If you have made it to this point, here are a few final questions. What if your early exposure to sex caused you to prioritize it over parts of life that are more important for YOUR long term development? Has the pleasure from sex controlled most of your major life decisions? Is it possible that you are currently in a relationship that started due to animal attraction? But now paying joint bills, taking care of kids and going on “staying sane trips” are the only things keeping the relationship together? Are you mentally stimulated by the person you give your body to? Do you feel that you are worthy of having good sex, great conversation and respect at all times as well?
In conclusion, my hope is that every person who participated in this journey, is getting more than what they deserve. Regardless of your backstory(married, single or dating), if you are engaging in sexual activities, I believe it should be with someone you trust, admire and can learn from; you should be happy in their company even if no sex is involved and their presence should add to your character. You are more than a “good time”. You are a spiritual being that deserves to me mentally and emotionally stimulated. Do you agree?
Hunger To Gain New Knowledge Pillar Action Plan: If you are currently engaging in sexual activity, take some time to answer each question from this blog and please be honest with yourself. If you realize that you have lowered your standards and need some things to change, plan that discussion and act accordingly. If you are extremely happy with your situation, within this week, plan a brief conversation with your spouse/sexual partner and ask them each question in order. These answers will help you learn more about each other, which should bring you two even closer together.
Kinja’s Current Reality: I could have never predicted that my path of celibacy would be going on seven years. Am I open to a relationship? Yes; however, my Four Pillar process keeps me so engaged and overflowing with joy that I am not chasing anything or feeling like I am “less than” due to my single status. There are a few couples who I admire that have led me to think, “That is the type of commitment, communication and synergy I want if I ever get into another relationship”. In each of their situations, they were friends who organically grew into something bigger and better; they continue to compliment each others’ lives. With my background, if I ever do get involved with another woman, that is the example I will follow. I’m grateful for my past and wouldn’t change a thing about the journey that led to this phase of my life. To dive deeper into understanding the Four Pillar system, explore the 365 page manual at any time. Regardless, next week I will see you again in another episode of the Decade Series.
Piemonte, J. L., Conley, T. D., & Gusakova, S. (2019). Orgasm, gender, and responses to heterosexual casual sex. PERSONALITY AND INDIVIDUAL DIFFERENCES, 151. https://doi-org.ezproxy.snhu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.06.030