The following statement may come back to bite me in the future, but at this point based on my experience, I am willing to bet the farm on it; when a person can heal from the worst thing that has ever happened to them, that process makes all future struggles much easier to handle. Do you agree? Read that statement again and then I will start unpacking it further in the next paragraph.
Have you ever heard someone complain about a situation that hurt them physically, mentally, physically or emotionally? Of course you have. Now as you sift through the situations, I would like you to think about a person who went through their situation more than a year before they mentioned it. With at least 365 days passing since the date of the situation, is it healthy to continue complaining about it? This is where I will play devil’s advocate and say, “Everyone heals in their own unique ways, and there is no set time to get over trauma!” That statement is accurate; however, if the wounds on our bodies reacted in a similar fashion, we would all still have unhealed wounds from cuts, bruises and injuries from our childhood. If the healing process doesn’t start after a certain time, infection begins; once harm is inflicted, our “dumb bodies” simply do their best to get back to a state of growth as soon as possible and if need be, the hospital gets involved to expedite the process. For the most part, our minds deal with our trauma quite differently. As the “most intelligent” species on the Earth, we will go through unenjoyable and painful situations, but instead of starting the healing process, complaining and reopening the emotional wounds for the rest of our lives is a normal process. Hopefully these words can lead you to consider a way of dealing with past hurt in a way that aligns with the natural order of every other living organism on our planet.
The problem stems from our definition of growth. As a humanity, we think that the following actions qualify a person to be considered an adult: working at a job, becoming a parent, paying bills, having a place to live and being over 18 years of age. In the dictionary the word adult means a person who is fully grown or developed. Should we ever be fully developed? Or should we always be getting better? Based on that definition it is clear why we have fallen into the trap; we think that after certain time frames and goals are reached, we have arrived; however, I offer you a Re-Creationist’s perspective. What if you interpreted the word adult as follows: a person who lives progressively by taking daily creative action to maximize their mind and body connection. Believe it or not, based on this definition, newborns, infants and toddlers do a much better job at that definition of adult than most adults, by humanity’s normal standards. Many times, adults by my first definition in this paragraph transform babies (who start off with infinite potential) into limited beings who hold grudges, eat unhealthy foods, “grow up” thinking that all they have to do is get a job, have kids, pay bills and get a house to become an adult. Do you notice the cycle?
To help bring this together, I will briefly share how I lived by both of my previously mentioned definitions of an adult. By using an organism that we should all be very familiar with, a plant, the goal is to make an everlasting impression. In theory, as we grow up into becoming our unique versions of adults, we should be following the lifestyle of a plant; designing each of our days to grow towards the light. I would like to make a clear distinction using two phases of my life and hopefully the two versions of adults will be evident for you to draw from for future experience. There was a twelve to fifteen year period in my life, where “the light” meant chasing women, eating for pleasure versus longevity, abusing alcohol and thinking that a monetary status made me better than other people. I paid taxes, donated to charities, served my clients well and did my best to get better every day in my job description. What I failed to realize at the time was that half of my focus was detrimental to my ability to go towards “the light” from an absolute perspective. In other words, my definition of “the light” did not factor in certain inevitable facts about the human body. In my mind, I did not intend to kill myself, but in all actuality, that is what I did with many of my habits. Whether I knew any better or not doesn’t matter. All causes lead to effects, regardless of whether we know what the effects are or not.
The current version of Kinja sees “the light” as working on the Four Pillars every day. To do this, I had to take years to reconstruct my definitions of fun, happiness, growth, and many other words that are loosely used to describe actions that have a track record of shortening human life. In this section I will also address the opening statement that led us to this point. The version in the previous paragraph would drown out his pain by getting drunk, getting a sale or never addressing it. I may not have complained about it after a year passed like the example I mentioned in the first paragraph, but I still did not follow the process of plant life; turning it into a moment of reflection to expedite the growth of my life. It took time to reframe my perception; however, the investment in my life (and financial) capital was well worth it.
Are you still dealing with your problems in a way that keep them around for years or maybe even decades? If so, did anything you just read motivate you to consider another process? I hope so. At this point you may be inspired but not clear of what your first step should be. Consider this. The person whose actions led to pain in your life is probably dealing with pain similarly to how it was described in this blog. Since we cannot change the past, the quicker you can start practicing the F word, the easier it will be for newer energy to flow into your essence. Before you ask, I will end this blog with a quote from a couple of therapists.
Many people come for help because they remain stuck in a destructive relationship, job, legal battle or memories of child abuse. A growing number of therapists believe that forgiveness is of crucial importance in helping people break away from these patterns of resentment and revenge. (Cynthia Ransley & Terri Spy, 2004)
Emotional Intelligence Pillar Action Step: Do you know what type of harmful emotions are trapped inside of your essence? Take a moment and go on an emotional scavenger hunt. Write down the two to three most harmful situations that were ever encountered in life. Rate them on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest. Who was involved and how long ago did it happen? Are you still holding a grudge against the situation? You may have expected them to act or respond a certain way back then, but are you still wishing that a past reality would change? If you have distanced yourself, what are you doing to expand your vibration as a person? Have you ever taken a moment to put yourself in their shoes? As these questions get answered, there may be more pain involved; however, with the mixture of continued Four Pillar development, it should steadily lessen as you undergo your transformation process.
Kinja Current Reality: I am completely free of all past pain; as of writing this on May 17th, 2022, I am in the absolute best place I have ever been. No enemies, no regrets and no problems; pure presence. Does this mean that I am content? Not at all. The goals I have are growing by the day; mastering every minute is all I can do to pull them closer. Does this mean that I don’t have empathy and compassion for people who may not be in the same mental place? Not at all. I realize that in order to continue being a great friend or family member, my emotional stability is needed to assist when my shoulder is needed. The best part about this state is that there is no comfort or complacency anywhere in my circumference, so every morning that I wake up, I’m starting from scratch as if no-thing has ever been accomplished. To dive deeper into understanding the Four Pillar system, explore the 365 page manual at any time. Regardless, next week I will see you again in another episode of the Decade Series.
Cynthia Ransley, & Terri Spy. (2004). Forgiveness and the Healing Process : A Central Therapeutic Concern. Routledge.